Polarity - Masculine vs Feminine

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When I explain the concept of masculine and feminine polarity, I often ask people to imagine a container, i.e. a bucket or a bowl; a sort of masculine frame designed to hold and keep the feminine liquid safely inside, where it can flow and splash and express herself freely.

The masculine can also be seen as the observer - an overview, a structure, a plan, the immaterial. It can also be described as endless, timeless, stillness, nothingness and presence. It is what guides, leads, organizes and penetrates.

The feminine, on the other hand, is everything that is; fullness, nature, colour, weather. It’s emotions, expressions, love and care.

But, these are just qualities and has nothing to do with being a man or a woman - it’s simply two opposites. This is polarity. We all have both feminine and masculine qualities in us. The masculine qualities in a woman doesn’t make her “manly” any less than the feminine qualities in a man makes him less of a man.

So, what is it that the feminine in a woman finds most attractive in a man? Women, it seems, measure how attractive the man is according to his masculine presence. The more present he is for her, the more attractive she will find him.

Women look for depth in a man, another way to describe presence. Someone who can stand there in the storm with her. Qualities that allow her to feel held and to feel safe. Because the woman can only go as deep as the man can hold her in her feminine surrender. The bigger the container, the more liquid (the feminine expression) it can hold.

My Tantra teacher once told me:” The feminine bliss is to be able to test the men, and having them not collapse.” The women are most of the time actually trying to get the best out of the men, but sometimes it comes out in a bit nasty way. This can be referred to as the feminine drama*.

I have made an illustration that shows that the more masculine presence a man has, the more feminine flavours he can embrace. This can’t actually be measured in a diagram, but this indicates how it works.

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Again, the masculine and the feminine are qualities, found in both men and women in greater or lesser amounts, on different levels, and both men and women express them in different ways.

Just as women seek depth and presence in men, men seek variety in women. The more flavours a woman can express, the more attractive she will be to her partner. It is good to have a lot of mother energy as a woman, but if a woman only expresses that quality, it might be a bit boring for the man in the long run.

On my own tantric journey, I have investigated as many feminine flavours as possible, to own and accept them. Some are easier to embrace than others, and some are burdened with a lot of suspiciousness, fear and projections.

In my tantric school we work on our sexual de-conditioning. That can bring up some fear, which we also work on so that we can go places we have never been before, sexually and emotionally. It’s only when we dare step out of our comfort zones that we can grow and expand as individuals. The women are given the opportunity to live out flavours of the feminine that might not be accepted by the society. However, they are still there and need to be expressed fully!

The next illustration I made shows the variety of some feminine flavours. Starting on the left you have the more innocent and virgin like flavours, all the way to the wilder and more forbidden flavours on the right.

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We see how these flavours or energies distribute on the horizontal span in this diagram. We start with the virgin, the mother and the school girl. All these are in the green zone; accepted and welcomed by society. But when it comes, the wild woman, the prostitute and the slut, these are loaded with taboo and are in the red zone.

From an early age girls are told that they can’t dress in certain ways, that we must not be challenging, demanding or wild, but rather nice, good girls. It seems like many women have this longing of letting go, and exploring their wilder side. There is research on the most common fantasies amongst women dating back to the 1970’s, where 4 out of 10 women admit to having rape fantasies. This doesn’t mean actually wanting to be raped, but wanting to be ravished, taken, and brought in to the deeper layers of surrender, which is the quintessential quality of the feminine.

It’s the whore and Madonna complex; the contrast of the good girl and the divine slut. Many men love the wild animal. But many men are also scared of strong, independent women.

Again, polarity is two opposites; masculine and feminine. Sometimes, men and women switch between who is the more masculine and feminine. This can happen naturally, but we can also practice this consciously. This is a way to gain more awareness, to grow and expand, thus gaining more understanding for each other.

Putting yourself in the position of the other will help you feel more compassion, and make you a more aware lover. The man will learn to let go of control and experience how vulnerable it feels to let go .He will notice how acutely important it is for the feminine (in him) to feel the masculine presence (from her). And she will understand what it means to be the masculine space-holder, and how important it is that she (in her masculine) takes firm charge and presents herself with clarity and compassion.

In Tantra we talk about the feminine as energy. And this energy can drop. So if the man is always in his masculine, he might end up drained or feel a lack of energy. The only way he will get back on track, is to be charged through his feminine.

Many of my clients are high profiled men with a lot of responsibility, very much in their masculine. It seems logic to me that this is the reason why so many men in higher positions seek a place where they can be guided and re-charged by surrendering and letting go.

It does not mean that he has to get fucked in the ass (even though I believe that is the fastest way to re-charge him), but also just to allow himself not to do anything. To simply receive a massage, take a bath, walk in the forest and so on.

In my profession I am the one taking charge; leading, commanding, demanding and taking responsibility, so that the client, male or female, can totally let go of having to “do” or perform, and express himself/herself freely in the feminine.

From Shielded to Vulnerable


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From an early age our bodies’ automatic response to threats, danger or fear is to seek protection. Throughout a lifetime many of us experience so much internal stress, emotional or physical pain and trauma that we have become experts at shielding ourselves from the external world. The shielding process starts already when we are very young. To be rejected by our parents as a child, for example, is very painful. We will do whatever it takes to avoid feeling this pain, and instead end up feeling numb. To many of us - feeling nothing is better than feeling pain.

Because of this phenomena, many people slowly loose contact with their own body. Tensions become so deeply ingrained in us, and in turn we get so good at sedating ourselves that we can no longer identify the body’s internal emotions, stress and pain. Even when our body says “stop”, we don’t get it, because we are too numb. This is a very common thing that I see this in my daily life working with different kinds of bodies, in the sessions where I work with trigger points or de-armouring. The body is resisting the physical pain, but the mind doesn’t register it. This may be why so many of us struggle with having healthy boundaries.

The intention of de-armouring is to re-establish contact with the body. The breath is used actively to open and release tensions that have accumulated over time, all while I methodically move from trigger-point to trigger-point all over the body. By letting go, trusting and staying vulnerable in the process, pain from old emotional wounds might surface. I work through layers of protection and when people surrender and let go, the shielding slowly dissipates. An awakening in the body and letting it express itself can be a very intense, even overwhelming experience.

By using trigger points and removing protection, in most cases blockages, the sexual life-energy is activated, and can now flow freely in the body. When numbness and emotional distress are released, we can return to what is believed to be our natural state of being; having sensitive bodies that are responsive to touch, a sense of playfulness and aliveness. It is how children are - natural in touch with their emotions and playful without shame. We are not born with shame, but the society tells us what is right and wrong, and we can create a belief system around that.

90% of my clients are men, and it is the de-armouring of the penis and anus which is the intimate part of the treatment. Most men are accustomed to masturbating in a way that contracts the energy inwards; the body and anus are tightened, eyes closed fantasising / watching porn. Masturbating faster and faster, pulling all the energy inwards, tightening the muscles more and even holding the breath for a moment before finally reaching the final goal: climax*.

In Tantra we inspire to do the opposite; to relax and pull the energy outwards. During the de-armouring of the penis, where it’s more of a “squeeze and hold” rather than using the trigger points. The result will often be the experience of a natural state of horniness. The men are totally relaxed and don’t feel the pressure of having to perform in any way. There is no goal, nothing to do.

A lot of fear and shame accumulates in and around anus. Many struggle with the notion of experiencing pleasure there, or have the idea that straight men don’t touch the ass.

To help men release these tensions I use breath, and work around the anus for approx. 15 minutes, while being supportive for the man to fully express himself and let go of emotions and blockages stored there. Many men are surprised about how good it feels, but it is also important to understand that it takes time and practice to build up sexual arousal in the ass. At the same time, to put a man into his feminine* and play with his ass, also gives him an imprint how it is to be a woman. So in the end he might become more sensitive and understanding, since he knows how it is to be vulnerable.

Ejaculation* is considered to be draining, and not recommended in the tantric school where I have my education. Men are encouraged to build and keep their sexual energy. Many spend the surplus of energy on family, wife, life purpose and exercise. The continuous flow of sexual energy also often results in deeper attraction between partners.

By practicing slow, relaxed sex with no-goal and no ejaculation, all men will, in my opinion, experience going gradually deeper with their partner, and becoming a better lover