When I explain the concept of masculine and feminine polarity, I often ask people to imagine a container, i.e. a bucket or a bowl; a sort of masculine frame designed to hold and keep the feminine liquid safely inside, where it can flow and splash and express herself freely.
The masculine can also be seen as the observer - an overview, a structure, a plan, the immaterial. It can also be described as endless, timeless, stillness, nothingness and presence. It is what guides, leads, organizes and penetrates.
The feminine, on the other hand, is everything that is; fullness, nature, colour, weather. It’s emotions, expressions, love and care.
But, these are just qualities and has nothing to do with being a man or a woman - it’s simply two opposites. This is polarity. We all have both feminine and masculine qualities in us. The masculine qualities in a woman doesn’t make her “manly” any less than the feminine qualities in a man makes him less of a man.
So, what is it that the feminine in a woman finds most attractive in a man? Women, it seems, measure how attractive the man is according to his masculine presence. The more present he is for her, the more attractive she will find him.
Women look for depth in a man, another way to describe presence. Someone who can stand there in the storm with her. Qualities that allow her to feel held and to feel safe. Because the woman can only go as deep as the man can hold her in her feminine surrender. The bigger the container, the more liquid (the feminine expression) it can hold.
My Tantra teacher once told me:” The feminine bliss is to be able to test the men, and having them not collapse.” The women are most of the time actually trying to get the best out of the men, but sometimes it comes out in a bit nasty way. This can be referred to as the feminine drama*.
I have made an illustration that shows that the more masculine presence a man has, the more feminine flavours he can embrace. This can’t actually be measured in a diagram, but this indicates how it works.
Again, the masculine and the feminine are qualities, found in both men and women in greater or lesser amounts, on different levels, and both men and women express them in different ways.
Just as women seek depth and presence in men, men seek variety in women. The more flavours a woman can express, the more attractive she will be to her partner. It is good to have a lot of mother energy as a woman, but if a woman only expresses that quality, it might be a bit boring for the man in the long run.
On my own tantric journey, I have investigated as many feminine flavours as possible, to own and accept them. Some are easier to embrace than others, and some are burdened with a lot of suspiciousness, fear and projections.
In my tantric school we work on our sexual de-conditioning. That can bring up some fear, which we also work on so that we can go places we have never been before, sexually and emotionally. It’s only when we dare step out of our comfort zones that we can grow and expand as individuals. The women are given the opportunity to live out flavours of the feminine that might not be accepted by the society. However, they are still there and need to be expressed fully!
The next illustration I made shows the variety of some feminine flavours. Starting on the left you have the more innocent and virgin like flavours, all the way to the wilder and more forbidden flavours on the right.
We see how these flavours or energies distribute on the horizontal span in this diagram. We start with the virgin, the mother and the school girl. All these are in the green zone; accepted and welcomed by society. But when it comes, the wild woman, the prostitute and the slut, these are loaded with taboo and are in the red zone.
From an early age girls are told that they can’t dress in certain ways, that we must not be challenging, demanding or wild, but rather nice, good girls. It seems like many women have this longing of letting go, and exploring their wilder side. There is research on the most common fantasies amongst women dating back tp the 1970’s, where 4 out of 10 women admit to having rape fantasies. This doesn’t mean actually wanting to be raped, but wanting to be ravished, taken, and brought in to the deeper layers of surrender, which is the quintessential quality of the feminine.
It’s the whore and Madonna complex; the contrast of the good girl and the divine slut. Many men love the wild animal. But many men are also scared of strong, independent women.
Again, polarity is two opposites; masculine and feminine. Sometimes, men and women switch between who is the more masculine and feminine. This can happen naturally, but we can also practice this consciously. This is a way to gain more awareness, to grow and expand, thus gaining more understanding for each other.
Putting yourself in the position of the other will help you feel more compassion, and make you a more aware lover. The man will learn to let go of control and experience how vulnerable it feels to let go .He will notice how acutely important it is for the feminine (in him) to feel the masculine presence (from her). And she will understand what it means to be the masculine space-holder, and how important it is that she (in her masculine) takes firm charge and presents herself with clarity and compassion.
In Tantra we talk about the feminine as energy. And this energy can drop. So if the man is always in his masculine, he might end up drained or feel a lack of energy. The only way he will get back on track, is to be charged through his feminine.
Many of my clients are high profiled men with a lot of responsibility, very much in their masculine. It seems logic to me that this is the reason why so many men in higher positions seek a place where they can be guided and re-charged by surrendering and letting go.
It does not mean that he has to get fucked in the ass (even though I believe that is the fastest way to re-charge him), but also just to allow himself not to do anything. To simply receive a massage, take a bath, walk in the forest and so on.
In my profession I am the one taking charge; leading, commanding, demanding and taking responsibility, so that the client, male or female, can totally let go of having to “do” or perform, and express himself/herself freely in the feminine.